"I'm self-funded." I hear those two words from almost every successful retiree I meet, and I understand the instinct.

Nobody wants to spend their retirement thinking about nursing homes or memory loss.

But after 40 years of planning for retirees , I can tell you the real question was never whether you can pay for long-term care. It's what happens to your spouse and your children while you do.

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What self-funding actually costs

Here's the math most people never run.…