How to Do It

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by grinvalds/Getty Images Plus.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 27-year-old woman dating another 27-year-old woman, “Sage.” Every prior partner complained that I overanalyzed and talked through too much. One of the great things about Sage is that she communicates the same way. The thing is, I want to do it less in bed.

She wants to check and re-check—am I feeling safe? Am I having fun? Which I find to be distracting and a huge turn-off in bed. Consent is important, but body language will tell you a lot! When I mirrored her questions back to her (I thought she was asking because she wanted to be asked), she also lost the mood, and told me she preferred when I read her body language instead.…