Programming has developed an unfortunate tone.

We kill processes, abort transactions, throw exceptions, break out of loops, and execute instructions. We acquire locks without asking, mutate values without apologising, and order the machine to return as though it were a Labrador. Even the gentler languages expect us to address the runtime in a sequence of terse imperatives:

let carriageCount = 0 ; carriageCount = 42 ; console . log ( carriageCount );

No salutation. No explanation. Not so much as a much obliged .

This will not do.

I therefore propose Bespoke , a statically typed and uncompromisingly civilised programming language for developers who believe that machine execution should never come at the expense of good manners. Informally it is known as The Queen’s Code : Victoria’s, naturally; the etiquette committee has yet to approve the twentieth century.…