Being humiliated is usually something people want to avoid. So why might a man find it exciting to be called names, ordered around, or teased about his masculinity during sex?

As a sex therapist in private practice, I approach these desires with curiosity rather than judgment. Something that feels insulting in everyday life can be a turn-on in the bedroom. For some men, the appeal is giving up control, like you might when getting tied up in the bedroom or allowing your partner to control when and how you ejaculate through edging or a ruined orgasm . For others, it’s the thrill of doing something taboo or exploring a side of themselves they don’t often express.

The context matters, as does the ability to choose what happens. A consensual fantasy of humiliation is very different from being insulted or belittled by a partner who isn’t respecting your boundaries.…