Jude, 43

double quotation mark By the time we got married, we had done everything but kiss and have penetrative sex

Our first kiss was on our wedding day, in front of all our family and friends. It was long and deep, and felt like lightning. That was 22 years ago, but Tess and I had met nine years before as we grew up in the same Christian cult.

Chastity was a fixation in the church, and there was a culture of fear, but we pushed (nearly) every boundary. By the time we got married, we were pretty comfortable with each other sexually, having done everything but kiss and have penetrative sex – things we knew our parents would explicitly ask about.

A few years into our marriage, before I took over from my dad as pastor, I was working at a university when I became attracted to a colleague. It felt like God was testing me – to see if I would be faithful before handing me a congregation.…