ive been chronically depressed for most of my life but i am also a true coward. too many what ifs. too many thoughts. but for years i keep fantasizing about killing myself in the near future. but bow that im older i just dont even care anymore.

i used to write notes for people when i pass. write down my thoughts so someone can understand how i feel. none of them stayed. all trash.

i impulsively had an attempt in 2022 and was kept in the hospital for over a week for phys recovery. no true psychiatric treatment or ward. i just felt so embarrassed for surviving. i felt so out of place staying in the normal hospital wing on suicide watch yet not being sent to the ward. somehow invalidating.

i started smoking when i was 11, stolen my grandpa's cigarettes. alcohol at 13 then weed at 14. while i used those substances to feel good. i mostly wanted it all to somehow damage my body enough to a point where id have to be treated for something.…