O ne Christmas when I was a child, my parents wrapped the presents in shiny paper. Unlike the matt kind I was used to, with this stuff you could slowly peel off the sticky tape without ripping the paper or leaving any trace, unfold the end of the package, peek inside, and reseal it – so that’s what I did, to all of mine, as soon as they appeared under the tree. Don’t worry, my comeuppance is coming right up.

The jubilation I felt at pulling off such a stealth move – being basically a master criminal in the manner of those movie jewel thieves who dodge laser tripwires – was almost immediately negated by the sinking realisation I’d ruined my own Christmas. I’d been too impatient to bear the wait, but now, with weeks still to go, all anticipation and excitement had been extinguished. Not least because my main present was – how to put this delicately? – crap.

I always struggled to get up for school, so Santa had stitched me up with an alarm clock. A fun, razzy alarm clock, but an alarm clock all the same.…