I am writing this because I have nowhere else to go and I just need to let this out openly.

For 25+ years, I have been fighting myself every single day. I tried so hard to force myself to live the way I was born. I thought if I just prayed harder, fought harder, and ignored it, it would go away. But it didn't.

Instead, my body and mind are completely breaking down. I started to get terrible panic attack which I personally don't know how they even started, My physical health is getting worse every month. The pain inside me has become so heavy that suicidal thoughts are at an all time peak, I cannot sleep, cannot work in my office, cannot focus on anything, crying day and night while praying.

I haven't just sat around waiting for this to happen. I have tried everything. I watched podcasts, looked up every solution online, and asked a thousand different ways how to fix this or just make the dysphoria disappear.…