It's been 2 years since I stopped caring about anything, at first it was just a stressful period, then a period of low mood, then "just teenage hormones acting up" (I'm 21 now). It never stopped.

I keep procrastinating, every weekend there's so much to do, so much to study, so much to keep up with, yet I do nothing for days, upon days, upon days. I cram studying into the day before, God knows how I have had the GPA I did my entire life, and how I'm successful at all in university.

And that's just for studying. I haven't developed a hobby since I was a kid. Never even tried. When I did, I'd drop it soon after. Everyone is already good, better than I'll ever be, so why bother?

I tried learning another language (a third, and a fourth) and that went about as well as hobbies and studying did, primarily it didn't.

I asked myself what I'm genuinely looking forward to that is enjoyable. Not just "less obligations" (like breaks or weekends) but actually something I will have fun with. I came up empty.

I'm so numb all the time, like I'm indifferent to everything, until a slight inconvenience happens. Then I get angry, so fucking angry my hands start shaking and I get thoughts and urges of violence either towards that particular person/thing, myself, or a third, non-related thing. I lash out, I act like an asshole. I've had these ever since I was a kid, I learned to control the urges and not cause harm. Not to anyone else, at least.

I'm not indifferent though, I'm not. Whenever I get a worse/bad grade, inevitably fail at something I try, or even just look at my life, I get so angry I want to claw my own skin off bit by bit.

I became a shut in, don't go out at all, barely know anyone by name in my classes.

I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be behind everyone, I don't want to waste my life. I don't want to be an inconvenience and be annoying. I don't know what I want.

If left with a limitless amount of free time, I'd do what I'm doing right now. Sitting in a chair, typing away at my PC while time goes by.

I don't deserve the situation I have, to be well off, to have a good life. I just wish I was never born.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I do anything? I'm so fucking tired of being in this skin, in this state, as myself.

submitted by /u/Nuke_France
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I'm tired of being myself