I broke up with my ex over the summer. I felt like I “should” be feeling happier in the relationship. I felt very out of body as it was my first relationship. We were both 18 and heading to college.

I had a traumatic upbringing, dealing with severe anxiety my whole life. Even with anxiety, I was able to function, healthily not at all, but I was able seem like I was leading a successful life.

I started to have severe depression over the summer. I didn’t realize this and thought there was something wrong with the relationship, so I broke up with him. I was recommend to take a gap year. I’m in a PHP program and reapplying to colleges. I found a med that worked for a bit, and when it was working I realized that I loved him. I truly loved him. And I wasn’t able to feel any if that during the relationship due to depression. Now I’m back in another depressive episode and can’t help thinking that this cycle will never end.

I feel like a spectator of my own life. Will I ever be in a healthy relationship?…